We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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