Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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