Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
