I think scott just propositioned me for sex
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
