so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
