Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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