My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
