mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
