I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
