just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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