I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
