i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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