my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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