I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
