doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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