I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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