I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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