I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
