is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
