Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
