My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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