It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
