i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
