Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
