you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
