M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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