last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
