You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
