i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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