And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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