I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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