I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
