I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
