okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
