I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
