your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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