i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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