I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The beer is more important than you right now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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