My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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