I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
