I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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