If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
