we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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