I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I cut my penus on the lid.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
