I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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