dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
