remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
