So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
