i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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