I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
