i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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